Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Exploding Pants

The answer to yesterday's travel Tuesday was indeed the Great Barrier Reef (from a helicopter) when I was in Australia earlier this year. It was so beautiful!

Now for today's post. :)

I entertain m friend Irish in airports and fast-food restaurants on our travel adventures by reading aloud from the newspaper. She says this is a hidden talent of mine - and that I should have my own radio show or something. That'd be great - anyone got a job for me?

So I'm casually blurting out headlines in the Las Vegas airport, and I come across one that made me stop. I can't make this up people. Here are some excerpts (edited for time and typing) from the Las Vegas Review-Journal.

EXPLOSION IN PANTS IDS BANK SUSPECT (Headline grabs you, huh?)
By Henry Pierson Curtis - The Orlando Sentinal

Orlando, FL - The crotch of Kenneth Ray Brooks' pants exploded Friday afternoon. (That's a get-to-the-point intro.)

Brooks, who was wearing the pants (thanks for clearing that up), had just left a Centura Bank at 3:21 p.m. (are you sure of the exact time?) when a burst of flames caught the attention of passers-by (duh!) according to Orlando police.

"Witnesses said they could see smoke coming out of his pants." (liar liar pants on fire) said police.

Moments before the bang, a man matching Brooks' description demanded cash from tellers saying "I'm holding down the joint." (Dude, he DESERVES to have his pants explode if he doesn't know he's holidng UP a joint.)

That's when the suspect stuffed a stack of bills into his waistband and pushed the money down out of view (that's quite flowery, mr. reporter. Just write that he stuffed the money into his crotch. And ewwww. I don't want that money back in circulation.)

Officers responding to the robbery alarm stopped to question Brooks, 42 (cuz that makes it ok), when they noticed his discomfort and bright red dye on both hands. (you think? Those Orlando police are on the ball! ha ha, pun intended.)

The FBI would have to be contacted to learn how to best remove the red dye from his hands and lower torso. (And you'd want to do this why? Sounds better than jail to me. "How'd you get the red on you Ken?" "Well . . . ")

He was booked after receiving medical treatment. (Again, why?)

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Anonymous said...

OMG thats so funny. Just makes you think where people stuff money in general. eewwww maybe this will stop me shopping. haha! not likely!

anthony said...

Reading aloud from the newspaper is a fun pastime of mine, too. Although I never know if I'm annoying people. I assume not, and continue. :)
Let's do a wacky morning radio show together.

hails: That dollar you're holding could have just been used at a local go-go joint, so wash your hands!

TC said...

Too funny! I try never to think about where my money has been.

Oh and guess what? I am celebrating my blogiversary today!

Froggie Mama said...

oh yeah - i've ALWAYS washed my hands after handling money!! ha! And *ESPECIALLY* after reading this!

Wow! That's crazy! And I agree... WHY the medical treatment???

I love your spin on it! I'd hire ya! :)

Red said...

Ha ha! Yeah, he should be made to keep bright red hands in a Scarlett Letter-type punishment!

(Carmen, Blogger is playing up. This comment might show up a zillion times, so feel free to delete at will!)

Bone said...

Very funny, Carmen. And we discover another talent. Perhaps you should make it a regular feature. Carmen's news story of the week :)

Anonymous said...

Dude, you left off the part where he had to "walk slowly to the waiting ambulance". Come on now, that's pure magic! HAHA

Dorothy said...

I've read aloud from the newspaper my whole life. It's almost as fun as reading "Dick and Jane" books as an adult to another adult. "Come here Jane, I want you." said Dick. Eww indeed.

Newspapers are funny just because they can't make that crap up, and it's just downright unprofessional to add commentary while reporting news. Could imagine the article reading "The criminal has been dubbed 'The smoking asshat' and it has been determined his punishment should be to stand on a street corner unclad to demonstrate what happens when you stuff stolen bills where the sun doesn't shine"

Karen said...

wonder what kind of prison nickname he'll get???

Renee said...

Stupid criminals are so much fun. I just don't get why they even try, don't they realize how dumb they are?

And as for why on the treatment & removal of the dye...we've got all these bleeding hearts that say we should treat crimials like royalty in jail.

I'm with Dorothy...make him stand on the corner and show off his scarlet bottom.

PixiePincessMom said...

I don't care who you are; but that's funny right there! Some people are just so stupid that it's amazing!

Jenn said...

anothe reason why I never carry cash. Plastic is better, cleaner, flashier. Besides I'm the only one who has touched it!

Katherine said...

Oh, I read that, too! Although I like your version much better. :)

Kukka-Maria said...

I've been told I have a flaming crotch, but this is ridiculous!

Medical attention...and probably at the tax-payers' expense! Like a man holding "down" a bank has health insurance!

Wystful 1 said...

roflmao!!!! That's all I can say.

Anonymous said...

A) flaming crotch is a good name for a band

B) maybe he was holding down the POT joint. HAHA.

C) there is no C

Chi said...

LOL Tooo Funny! Thanks for the laugh this morning!