Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Grrr. Argh!

Yesterday's travel photo? It was Ireland. :) I think I'll take a break from that for a while. You guys are too good at it, and I'm running out of less-than-obvious photos!

On to the continuing saga that is Carmen's love life (like the sands through the hourglass . . .). Some of you have been asking about what happened with Plan A and the HH. I've been trying to sort it out in my head for the last week, as it's complicated. (Warning, long story alert, and it's very personal, so you may not want to read.)

If you're keeping up with the story, I asked the HH out on a date. He said yes. He thought he said 8:15, I thought he said 9:15. He waited. We had drinks. Nice time.

The next weekend, I came by the pool late in the evening as he was getting off work to see if he wanted to get some ice cream. He'd never had hot fudge sundaes before. Again, nice time.

Then I went to Vegas. I got two emails from him while in Vegas. Sweet, right?

I came back from Vegas, it was his last day at work, as our pool closes on Labor Day. We made plans to see each other again before he left. Again, very nice.

He called on a Wednesday and we made plans to get together on Friday. We were going to go to my house and get a pizza and look at my Vegas pictures. (No, that's not a euphamism for anything.) We had fun - he was allergic to the cat (my actual cat, you perverts, ha.) who hated him. He stayed late, and drank a LOT. He was flirting and flirting and asked if I was sleepy. I said "Well, you have two choices. I can take you home and I can go to sleep, or you can kiss me." (Brazen, aren't I? Dude, Plan A was needed here.) He said he was shy (proves to be not true) but he took the bait. Then the problem started. All I wanted was a little Plan A. Maybe much later some Plan B. It went from no Plan A at all to something akin to assault.

I know Europeans have a very different view of sex than we Americans, but seriously, there was nothing attractive about it. He was rude, very crude, and went straight from Plan A to Plan Z and a half. Huh? Ok, he was really drunk, so I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here. Plus, my hormones go all berzerk around him, so I tried to go with the flow. To an extent. When it started to get really intense, I used the "no condom" excuse. When he starts insinuating that the cat get involved (again, my actual cat), I took him home.

For some insane reason, I hung out with him again on Saturday. We went to the mall. He cooked me dinner. It was really nice. He was back to his old self again. See? It was the alcohol. Ok. Now we can have some nice, normal, Plan A. Um, no. I got the brush off. The walk-you-to-your-car-two-cheek-kisses-and-a-hug brush off. OK, now I'm confused. But, he did keep asking when he would see me again. He was working at another pool the next day. I could come by. I kept skirting around the issue, cuz I was a little confused, but said we'll see.

The next day was beautiful. So I went to the pool. Hung out all afternoon. He cooked me dinner again. It was really sweet and nice. Then the next thing I know, he's drinking again. Then he looks at me and says "I think you f* me tonight." Um, no. Who thinks that is a turn-on? I explained to him that would not be happening. Which he didn't listen to. There's a language barrier here, so I tried to make sure he understood. Plan A was ok. Plan B might be ok. Plan Z was out of the question. After which he says, now get this.

"I understand, but I don't care. That's not what I want." And brings out a condom. Which was the excuse I used previously, so now that defense is gone.

That's when it gets a little sticky. I suppose this is where, in a court of law, it makes it hard for victims to get any justice, because want and facts start to blur. Did I want to kiss him. No doubt. My hormones were doing all kinds of flips. BUT I specifically said what was acceptable. He didn't care, and then became very aggressive.

Thank goodness that I go to the gym and I'm building my strength, because I was able to try to keep things under control - using physical and psychological means. I resorted to some tactics that I'm not proud of. However, he had the strength and the power to change the stakes very quickly, had his brain not been fuzzy from the beer. At one point, he said "F* me or S* me or get out. So I did - get out, I mean. Thank God. I was scared at the time, and more scared after. He tried to insult me by calling me "abstinent." I'm like, no, I just don't want to sleep with YOU.

I got home, and had an email saying he hoped I wasn't very angry, just a little. Stupidly, I replied that I was VERY angry (I should've just let it go) I've gotten emails and 2 phone calls since. His excuse, not that there is one, is that he missed his ex. Then, he stopped making excuses and just said "I'm sorry." Which is better, but I just don't know.

And I also know in my head that this isn't true, but I FEEL like I'm so stupid. That it was all my fault. That I deserved it. I asked him out. I brought up the Plan A. I saw him again after the first time he was a baboon. My confidence has taken a real blow since this happened. I feel dirty - like 100 showers are in order. That no man will ever want me in a kind, romantic way. That I'm relegated to crappy guys like this forever. Shoot me now.

The moral of the story, is always listen to your cat.

Planet Brenda has a good post about the art of saying no. Which makes me feel slightly better. Hers is much funnier, with pictures. :)


Chi said...

Oh my, Carmen...I am so glad you managed to leave! I am probably overstepping here but I think that he feels he has to use alcohol & if so, it isn't likely to change.

Hang in there though...Mr. Right is out there & you will find him and will be blown away! *s*

Goofy Girl said...

I'm sorry he turned out like that after he seemed like a nice guy. I don't thinkk it was your fault, I think he just couldn't really handle the rejection. Hug!

Red said...

May I just say, in defense of European men (not that I have a vast experience, but I have dated a little): they are not all like that! I think you happened to come across a duff one there.

(Although I have had a few unpleasant, borderline-aggressive dating experiences in England... all down to alcohol, I'm afraid. Nasty stuff when it's consumed in large amounts by people who are hiding their idiocy behind a thin veneer of normality.)

So sorry to hear about this. I feel partly responsible because I kinda encouraged you to go after this weasel... but they don't reveal their true nature until the crunch, do they?

Anyway, hope you've gotten over it. Put this down to experience and don't give it another thought.

(PS: those are prawns on my blog. Thank goodness for cats and food eh?)

Zeus said...

1.) Carmen, you are an adventurous, kind, generous, and thoughtful person. A few evenings with a Hunky Hungarian cannot rob you of these traits.

2.) It's not your fault. I realize how you feel, and I know that seems very real to you at the moment because the wound is fresh. However, I don't recall you saying, "Please speak to me in such a disrespectful way that my own mama would blush," or "I just really want to play mindgames until we get in the sack. It's such a turn-on." You didn't cause this; a lack of self-control and alcohol coursing through a Hungarian body did.

3.) You will find the right person for you when it is the right time and place. Everything that happens to you keeps you on the mystical path that leads you to the one you are meant to be with. There will come a day when the two of you will sit down with one another, and you will see the pattern: If I hadn't done this, then this wouldn't have happened. You will trace it back for as far as you can read its lines, and you will smile for the hard journey to that special someone will have become worth it.

4.) Don't always listen to your cat. Sometimes, we get fooled easily by treats, and so even if boyfriends end up being downright scummy for our female human pets, we've ate so many treats by that point that we actually like the scummy males.

Wystful1 said...

Me being quite older than you I'm not trying to give your the motherly talk or nothing...just hear me out. My opinion only. Okay?

The first time---drunk. If you want to know a man well enough, get him drunk. His 'real self' comes out.

Right then...there should have been a 'halt' light, stop sign in front of you!

Desparation isn't what you should look for. In time, a good guy will come along and sweep you off your feet.

Ex you say? That also may tell you something. Did you ever hear HIS side of the story of why he has an 'ex' in the first place? I know it would be just one side of the story, but if you watch a man's facial expressions while talking about his 'previouses' and his body motions...look at his eyes, if they tend to not look at you straight in the eyes, he's evading the truths.

Oh well, again, it's only me talking.

But, yes---you shoulda listened to your cat. ;o)

eph2810 said...

Oh, Carmen, I am sorry you had to go through this. This is a man out there for you. He will romance the socks off of you.

One Scrappy Gal said...

Oh Carmen...I'm so sorry this happened. He's a creep and yes, your cat is a good judge of character. But please do not give up on your search for a kind, decent, romantic guy. They ARE out there. I'm so glad you are OK but feel sad for you because you had this experience. :( I wish I lived close to you.

Mama Duck said...

*hugs* You deserve MUCH, much better than that, he's a jerk. Don't settle!! I'm glad you got out of it and you found out his "true colors" so to speak now.

Becky, Mom, Mommy, Hey you, said...

oh Carmen...the right man is out there..sometimes we have to go through a bunch of stinkers to find him though...

Kukka-Maria said...

First off, while I find that most of the time I am right, I have to say that listening to your cat can get you in trouble. The few (and I mean few) times my human agent brought a smoking hot man around, I immediately got weak in all four knees, fell to my back and begged to be stroked on my belly.

See? Even I can lose sight of what is right and wrong when faced with a pretty face and a rock-hard body!

You have mentioned he is young. Remember the boys you used to date in your early twenties who were heavy drinkers, sloppy and selfish lovers and all-around obnoxious? (For all of your studs in your early twenties reading this, this is a generalization. You should not be offended and you should really call me sometime.) I think this boy, given a heavy dose of liquid courage, is blinded by his own physical needs. Emotional needs, too, if he's not properly "dealing with" a break-up. Do I think he was out to disrespect you? No. Do I think that dishonoring you as a by-product of his own selfishness ever dawned on him? Nope.

Having said that, do I think it's your responsibility to take on the job of mentoring him through this "coming of age" time in his life? Hell the eff no!

Today, dear Carmen, I celebrate your clarity and strength. That you, knowing it didn't feel right, drew clear boundaries for yourself. That you, hoping it was a fluke, gave him the benefit of the doubt by not writing him off completely for a single poor choice.

That you, confident in your own strengths, gifts, talents, intuition and wisdom, look at this entire situation as HIS issue and not yours.

Now, do you know of any men, Hungarian or otherwise, who are looking for a cat belly to rub?

Anonymous said...

Caremen - not your fault at all. Wanting kiss someone and F someone are two vey different things....any one with half a brain woudl know this, european or not.

I don't have a lot of time right now, but I had a similar experience many years ago. Had my roommate' boyfriend not been spending the night that night, things may have turned out very differently.

My advice: CUT HIM OFF!! Block his e-mail address with your spam-blocker, screen your calls and be done with him.

mar said...

Oh, Carmen, I am so sorry you had to go through something like this. He is just not the right guy, European or not, he just doesn't have style and it is not only the language barrier. Yes, always listen to your cat! glad you have such a sweet humor!

Karen said...

Geez Carmen- doesn't he just leave soon? beer is no excuse for assault. around my house, it's usually the excuse for NOT having sex...anyway... ICK.

Renee said...

I'm so sorry that HH turned out to be like that. No means NO in every language and the fact that HH couldn't hear that means that he isn't worthy. I think that any woman would have offered him a second chance since it was clearly the alcohol that was causing his being a jerk...unfortunately HH isn't smart enough to know when to stop drinking.
Lots of's terrible that these jerks can make us loose our confidence. Mr WonderfulforCarmen is out there...don't loose the faith.
Looking forward to seeing your homeland tomorrow.

Dorothy said...

If we were closer, my BH'd beat this scumball to a pulp.

Carmen- his language barrier doesn't give him license to assault. I'm changing his name from Hunky Hungarian to Sphincterman. I hated being single for that reason. Just because I was 28 didn't mean I was giving out samples. I was called a tease, one "date" even brandishing a gun. I poured on the "fragile heart, looking for eternity" routine and he left willingly, but then again, I've always been a good salesman. I was about to call off dating for good when I found BH.

I agree that you should block his emails, and don't beat yourself up about this. He didn't come with a sign. You tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. It isn't your fault he acted like an asshat.

jenn said...

You WILL find someone. There is someone out there for everyone. It's better you learn about his behaviour now, than continue going on nice dates and have it emerge later.

Good luck hon, and please be careful!

PixiePincessMom said...

I definately don't think any part of that was your fault & I wouldn't give him a further thought. Probably not as easy as it sounds, but he definately doesn't deserve any thought at all. I'm sorry he turned out to be such a jerk.

Tug said...

BACK AWAY, & always know IT.IS.NOT.YOU. Some men, no matter what nationality, no matter what amount of alcohol, are PIGS. It is NOT you.

Hang in there...........

Anonymous said...

I think you deserve a LOT better. :) said...

OH MY GOD! What a story!

First off - thanks so much for the link. You're a sweetie! I already love your blog and I'm going to blogroll you (that kind of sounds threatening in itself! ;) !!!!

Next - can I cuss? No? Well, F* that F*n F*! He's a foicking joik of the highest order! You are very lucky this situation did not escalate into something even your workouts couldn't have fought off. It is so wrong on so many levels....just PLEASE don't blame yourself!

Next, the I Ching says (in extreme rough translation) that a woman owes it to herself to be "wooed" by a man, if she doesn't have this and accepts the first man that pays her some attention,she sells herself short. Many young girls sell themselves short this day and time. Keep holding out for that special one. It doesn't matter what age you are.

I'm proud of you for standing up to this guy!

Melli said...

Ohhhhh sweety! It is NOT your fault -- at all! Some guys just need to learn that no is NO! Period! Just because you made the first move and initiated Plan A, does NOT by ANY means give him the RIGHT to plan Z! It does sound like he has a problem with alcohol though -- and to that I would be very quickly saying Seeeeeeeeya! You DON'T need that!

Carmen -- even if you WANTED to go to Plan Z - he doesn't sound like he's very respectful bed partner. I think you are best RID of him... just my opinion.

Anthony said...

Take it from (a) a guy and (b) someone who hasn't had 'Plan A' for quite some time; you have nothing to feel badly about.

Some people are just jackasses - nationality notwithstanding. If a woman asks me out, I'm so flattered that I can hardly speak, let alone mutter obscenities or request a carnal relationship.

The guy definitely needs a shoe piece.
As for you, I think you're worthy of so much more. Stop beating yourself up over this and be happy that you found out sooner rather than later.

And, by the way, the alcohol is a reason but it's not an excuse. I've been as drunk as anyone and would never think of saying or doing those things.

Asshats are always at .10

Irish Church Lady :) said...

Although I'm sorry you had to go through that Carmen, I think it's all part of the greater plan for you on the road to meet a really nice guy.

When you find him you will know because of experiences like this.

Thanks for sharing. You make me proud to be a woman.